Ana Rebeka Andrade

Wednesday my friend Patricia and I went to Ana's wake. It was difficult being there and seeing her family distraught by the tragedy. It was closed casket. Knowing why it had to be closed saddened me, but I couldn't help the feeling relief when I realized I would not see her. It was a night of mixed emotions. I was happy to see many people I had not seen in years but sad that it happened under those circumstances. I had thought my emotions were under control but the wake brought it all gushing back. I couldn't help the tears. At home I couldn't sleep and I was having a hard time being alone. At every idle moment, my mind wondered back to it all. I felt despair. Despair in knowing my friend had died a terrible death. Despair in knowing that, so many times, I had disregarded the urge to see her and that, in this life time, I would not have that opportunity again. I felt a great sense of loss. A feeling that I had felt weeks before, when I thought about her but now intensified to the 1000th power. In Portuguese, we have a word... saudade. That's what I felt. Saudade of the good times we had together. Saudade of our many conversations and laughter. Saudade of all the moments that could have been but never were. After nights of lost sleep & even nightmares, I made the decision to honor my friend by laying to rest all what-ifs and simply cherishing the years we were in each other's lives and those wonderful memories.